With February at an end, I am looking back to the most amazing two months I've already had.
The first week of the year, I was in New York City with an amazing group of people. What we did and learned there, especially visiting the AIDS clinic will stick with me for a very long time. Right after that, I headed to Sweden and I've been here since. I've done so much, learned so much, and yet I feel like there is so much more that I could do. Marsha and I grabbed lunch after class (and our big author presentations) today and I was telling her how I'm interested in getting more hands on experience with performance studies, to see what aspect I like most of it. It turns out that her Theatre and Social Justice class is in need of some help (not really sure what that means, but she mentioned potentially acting) and I am looking forward to whatever that entails.
When I start thinking about my future, like, really thinking about it, I freak out. I have no idea what I want to do (realistically) after college. I keep being told by people that I should know by now. It's not that there's nothing that I would like to do- it's that there is so much! And I love North Carolina and I don't think I could leave there just yet (for more than a semester, of course). It feels like if I make a decision about something, then there will be five more decisions to make and 10 alternatives to that original decision that present themselves after the fact...
Ugh, don't let me listen to country music ever again- it makes me think too much.
Another problem I have is that I want to do everything, but when I get overwhelmed I don't do anything. Also, I don't take chances. It's so much easier not to- which is terrible, I know. Instead of feeling like crap because I tried and failed, I would much rather just not try. Until now I've been able to live with the idea "I might have been able to" rather than "I'm not good enough." At this point I think my mom would ask, "Well, what are you going to do about that?"
I don't know.